Tag Archives: desert

Whatever Happened to . . .

…that nice Pattyann! 🙂

I know it seems as if I dropped off the face of the planet, but I’m still here. So much has happened since I wrote my last post back in September of 2015, and most of it isn’t good. So here’s a recap of some of what’s happened to me, and I’ll try not to whine too much.

 

The most major thing that happened was losing my mom last May. That was devastating; I was devastated losing my best friend in the whole world. The sad part is, I didn’t know she was my first and best friend until after she died, and I never got the chance to say farewell to her. She died seven tiny minutes before I got to the hospital and my heart is broken. I spent my whole adult life fighting for my autonomy from her, and then she died, and I realized how important she was in my world; how important she was to me! I lost the only person in the world who truly had my back, right or wrong, fail or succeed, she stood behind me 100% and no one can ever take her place. Some come close, but she was my biggest cheerleader, and God knows I miss her every single second.

 

I thought after she died that I was okay. That I could continue on, adapting to the fact she was no longer here, and my beliefs told me she was finally living in a better place after suffering for so long with her many illnesses. Guess what? I wasn’t okay. I’m not okay. Not on any level and I sort of died too. Even worse than dying was – my life collapsed. I allowed my life to collapse . . . completely. I always thought of myself as a strong person, and now I have to admit, as painful as it is to do, that I’m not strong at all. Oh sure, I wore a brave face, all the while devastation surrounded me and still does.

 

My writing was the first thing to collapse on me and then the depression hit. I hid myself from the public, not engaging online with anyone and on the rare occasion I did, it was extremely brief. I didn’t want anyone to see how weak I was and am. I tried to write here and there, entered a flash competition once in a great while, but it was all so dreadful; my writing was dreadful. Creativity vanished in me and that was my breaking point. I just, stopped, writing. I stopped trying to create something, anything and now, I’m struggling to get the fires lit again because I know none of this is what mom would’ve wanted for me. It only took me eleven months to realize. So, it feels like I’m back at square one, trying to get up and running and find my writing mojo once again, but it isn’t going well and here’s why . . .

 

Not even four months after I lost mom, as if that wasn’t enough to deal with, I lost my precious granddaughter too. My youngest son went through a nasty break-up. I’ll spare the unlovely details, but suffice it to say, I lost my beautiful little grandbaby in the process. My sons’ ex immediately cut off all forms of communication with me and my family which made it clear she didn’t want any of us involved with our own flesh and blood. She kept mementos from my moms burial, family heirlooms that are not hers to keep, and the things I lovingly preserved from my sons’ childhood, including all the Christmas ornaments I collected for him since he was two years old and she’s made no attempt to try and return them. My ex and I have spent countless harrowing hours with our son dealing with legal issues, thousands of dollars that neither of us have, and more time and sleepless nights than I can tell you, and we’re still not out of the woods yet. There are more hoops to jump through and more money to throw at a gutless, heartless legal system that aims at destroying lives based on hearsay. Suffice it to say, I’m exhausted, broke and stressed beyond comprehension and it’s not over yet. I feel as though I’m drowning in stress.

 

In the process of all this, my granddaughter is growing up, and I’m missing her life and I bleed over this every single day. I’m heartbroken that I missed the first Christmas she actually knew what Christmas was, and her first birthday was taken from me. Her first steps, first words and so much more, stolen. These first moments in life; there are no do-overs, they can never be given back and I’m devastated over it!

 

Not only am I missing her, my son is missing his daughter terribly; missing the daily changes as she grows, and it kills me that I can’t help ease his sadness and distress. I never saw him ache as he does and there’s nothing, absolutely NOTHING I can do to help him except be there for him when his pain gets unbearable. I can only pray for God to help and comfort him.

 

And then last November, I got really sick with a major infection in my body. It was on again, off again through the holidays and just after the New Year, the pain came and didn’t leave. Course after course of antibiotics and pain medications did little to alleviate the infection, so I had some minor surgery in the beginning of March and am presently still healing, but I’m feeling so much better physically.

 

Since December and currently, my aunt and I are house-hunting. Every available moment we have to spare we are trolling real estate sites for a new home, seeing houses in the physical and praying to God to bring us a home that we can afford which suits our needs. So far, nothing. We need to dismantle the household we are currently residing in since the owners want to sell so we’re in a bit of a time crunch and life feels hurried and moving at a snails’ pace at the same time. My aunt and I feel as if we are stuck in Limbo, our lives and work on hold (she is an Artist,) until we are settled in our own home and some days it feels as if that will never happen. All we can do is keep up with what we’re doing and pray something comes soon!

 

I’m dealing with the return of my little Westies’ cancer, the tumor on his leg bigger than ever! I’ve chosen not to have a second surgery on him since the first one was so traumatic for him and having a second one would be far worse. He would have an open incision for months and months and I can’t in my heart put him through that again. I’m not resigned to losing him though and I look daily for natural treatments that may help to prolong his days without injury to his body and the stress I live with every day isn’t helping him in any way. I pray constantly that God won’t take him from me – I need my little one. He’s my source of comfort and security and I love him as much as I love my children!

 

In the meantime, life is happening all around me, but I don’t feel a part of it. I feel disconnected from everyone and everything and I dislike this feeling immensely. I watch my friends and social circles online, rejoicing for them as they enjoy their lives and accomplish their goals, and I keep an eye on all the writing sites I’ve been involved in and I want say THANK YOU to each of you for remembering who I am and tweeting my name. I WILL be back and stronger than ever, I just need the time to get through this desert I’m wandering in. It’s an arid and lonely place I roam and I’m unaccustomed to not being in my fertile creative place where my mind is free to create something of value, instead of bogged down with all the stresses of my life at this time. I’m trying to fight my way back to the green pastures, but right now, with my moms’ birthday next week and her one year anniversary next month, this is the best I can do – for now. Don’t give up on me! I guess that’s a tall request, since it seems I’ve given up on myself since last May, and, although I’ve been weak, I know the strength I had is still within me – somewhere, I just need to start fighting back against the deserts’ wind storms trying to break my spirit, hopes and dreams. I promise you, I’m coming back! I’m fighting as hard as I can and I feel, if I can just get ONE thing to go right in my life, everything else will fall into place. I don’t even care which one thing it is, I just need ONE thing to go in the right direction, to resolve, then I believe, I know, I’ll be all right!

 

I want to thank you for taking your valuable time to read of my journey for the last year. I would prefer it be more positive, but life is life and this is my sojourn for the time being.

 

If you feel moved by my words, please take a moment to share me! As always, I’m Just Me and this is my story – for now. 🙂

Trying to find this smile again!

Trying to find this smile again!