It’s been a while since I’ve looked at or added to my website. As some of you may already know, I lost my beautiful mom four weeks ago. It’s been the most painful experience of my life, and the most profound. I haven’t had the mental or emotional energy to come here to write lately, it hurt too much to think of having to make this entry, because mom was my most ardent and most loyal supporter. She’d always ask me if I posted anything new, and was always the first to read my scribblings, and now she’s gone, and it hurts to move on with this, or anything, without her by my side championing me onwards.
Some days are okay, four weeks after losing her, and some days I can barely breathe. It’s the littlest things that bring tears to my eyes too, like making a cup of tea in the evening when I’m winding my day down to a close. I always made two cups; one for her, and one for me and we’d enjoy then together watching our favorite shows, and now, with her gone, some nights, I still reach for her tea cup and teabag. I haven’t been able to remove her tea cup from the cabinet yet, I know I’m not ready to do that. Maybe one day, but today is not that day.
It’s been a struggle for me, knowing I have looming deadlines for the next several months, two of them, the end of June, and at first, the desire to write anything just wasn’t there. I couldn’t see past the wall of grief. I’ve finally begun moving again as far as pushing myself to sit down and write, and at first, it felt dreadful; like somehow I was moving on without her, but then it dawned on me, mom wouldn’t want me to stop writing. She wouldn’t want me to quit, not that I was thinking of doing that, but I know she’d want me to meet these deadlines coming up, she wouldn’t want me to bog down in grief. Her biggest dream was to see her kids achieve what it is we want to achieve, and so, I’m picking up speed on the writing track and finding my groove once again. And, the thought that she isn’t present to support me is ridiculous. I think, just because I can’t see her, doesn’t mean she isn’t with me in some way. I know she’s still supporting me, just on the other side of the veil.
This is why I’ve been away for a bit, and I just wanted you to know, I’m not stopping. I’m going for the gold ring, just like she’d want if she were here. She’s one of those who pushed me and lifted me when I thought I wanted to stop, but she didn’t let me. I’m blessed that she was still with me physically when a few of my stories were published for the first time! I’m so happy she got to live the experience with me, and share that incredible high that comes with your first time published. I’ll always remember the joy on her face and the look of utter pride in her eyes that day when I found out I was going to be published! I’m blessed to have those memories with her, and I’m blessed to have had her as my mom. I’ll always miss her, but I know, she’s always close by when I stumble. All I have to do is close my eyes and breathe, and I can feel her near me.
I won’t stop momma, and we’ll still make it happen together because you’re always in my heart and mind.