Monthly Archives: January 2013

A Play On Words . . . BeLIEve, Write, Read!!!

Wait for it! It’s quite the ride at the end when you read it!

It’s been a busy day for me here on the East Coast of North America, and I’m just sitting down to my laptop for the first time today, and it’s Four-thirty in the afternoon! It’s too late in the day to really delve into writing either of my books, or edit a short story or Two since it’s almost the dinner hour, and then I’m going to visit with family after, so what’s a girl to do? Well. . . if you’re me, you sit to write a blog! And so, that’s what I’m doing.

Today’s Blog doesn’t really have anything to do with writing, other than, I’m writing it, so instead, it’s going to be a meander through my thoughts. Well, maybe it’s about writing too, and to use the words of the antagonist in my book, ‘TTITC,’ “I’ll get to it then!” Okay, here we go! Here’s what I’ve been thinking about today –

Is it only myself, or do you find it odd that the word, ‘believe’ contains the word, ‘lie’ hidden right smack dab in the middle of it? The word, ‘belie’ is also hidden inside the word, ‘believe,’ and since I know that ‘belie’ means, ‘to prove untrue,’ and ‘lie’ means, ‘to make an intentional false statement,’ well, it caused me to think about it. I know that there are many other words inside the word ‘believe,’ like ‘live,’ and ‘be,’ as well as others, but it was the word ‘lie’ in particular that got to me. Here’s what happened –

I was enjoying a nice healthy salad for lunch today, and I was enjoying said salad at the dining room table. I chose the seat facing the kitchen so I could gaze outside through the patio door while I was eating and I happened to look into the kitchen. Now that’s not so important, but what I saw in the kitchen is! My roomies have a sign with a black background and green writing on the wall behind the stove that reads simply, ‘BELIEVE.’

Well, I can tell you, I’ve looked at this sign everyday for the last seven months, and then today, I’m not sure what happened, but I really noticed it for the first time! And then it struck me right between the eyes! The word ‘LIE’ is right in the middle of the word ‘BELIEVE!’ I don’t know why I find this an epiphany, but I do! Here’s what I’m thinking –

I have to wonder if the creator of the word ‘believe’ meant for hidden words with the opposite understanding and meanings to be in there? Or, was it a Freudian slip? I mean, think about this. The word ‘believe’ means, ‘to accept that something is true.’ So, what? Accidentally hidden in the word, there are the words belie, and lie, which mean untrue, and false, respectively? Hmmm. . .

Belief is really a hard thing for me to come by sometimes. Oh sure, I’ve been gullible in the past to believe people who have lied to me, and maybe I’m still gullible when it comes to what others tell me, but now, I know I’m gullible when it comes to my own thinking too! I believe my own lies and belie the truth with more lies! Follow? No, I didn’t think so. Let’s try this? Here comes the writing stuff.

I get up in the morning, and I say to myself, “Self? I’m going to write today, and what I write is going to be great!” I can already feel that the day is going to be fantastic, because I woke up with the belief that I’m going to write something great that day!

Now, as good as that makes me feel, Self steps ups and belies my belief with its lies and says back to me, “Really? You’re not that great a Writer, so, who are you fooling? It’s a lie!”

And now belief in myself is blown and has flown out the window, and I spend the first half of my day, belying what Self is trying to convince me of, in saying I lied to myself first thing when I woke!

Are you following this? I thought I’d play with the words a little bit, and it’s really kind of fun too! It’s a true story. And I know and believe it’s a true story, because it happens to me every day!

So let’s recap. I wake and believe that it’s going to be a great day of writing, and that I’m a good Writer. Then that stupid little voice of self, or more accurately, self-doubt creeps in, and belies my belief that I’m a good Writer, and that it’s going to be a great day, and lies to me, telling me that I lied to myself because I stink! Sigh. Now I spend the first half of my day, belying (proving untrue) what self-doubt has lied (made a false statement) to me about, and have to convince myself to believe (accept that it’s true) that I’m good; good enough to put my words on paper and have other people read what I write, wrote, and will write, right? And then I write right, as in correctly, for the rest of the day, and create a Rede that I believe in, so you can then read the Rede (creed) that I’ve written for myself, and perhaps my Rede should just say, “BELIEVE!” Phew! Got that?

Now isn’t all of that just, silly? All because, I believe not in the lie, but in ‘believing,’ because, I’m Just Me. . .

Aren’t We Supposed To?

I was recently told ‘I think too much.’ Aren’t we supposed to be thinking? Digesting? Conversing? Communicating? And thinking some more? Isn’t that the silliest statement ever? I mean, think about it?

I think so. I think thinking is the only way to resolve issues, make decisions, live our lives wholly. Thinking is the basic core of ourselves. Without thoughts, how does one know anything? Without thinking, how does anyone ever solve an issue, create a new product, or write a book? Wars have been started because someone didn’t think of the consequences. People have died, because no one thought about the cost of a life. Without thinking, how does anyone put one foot in front of the other and decide to take a step; either backwards or forward? One must think about which direction to travel. Don’t you think? Do you agree?

And so, I’ve been thinking.

It’s been an interesting year so far. As of today, a great deal of eye-opening conclusions have been drawn. And why? Because I have been thinking. I’ve been dealing with a great deal of conflict as of late, and the only way I can muster the energy to climb out from under my fluffy, warm comforter on my bed, is to think about how I’m going to deal with my day. I have to think about whether I want to keep my head down for the day, and stay under the radar, or confront an issue head-on. Lately, I’ve been choosing the under the radar method, and it seems to be working, at least for the time being, I think. However, that’s a diatribe for another time; the whole ‘under the radar’ thing. But here’s what I’ve been digesting, or, if you will, thinking about…

Thinking has given me the option to know what it is I want for myself, and more importantly, what it is I don’t want! I don’t want to not write! I know. That’s a double negative, but you get my point, yes? I see the steps laid out clearly before me to get to where I want to go with my life, and I see the steps I don’t want to follow. Does that even make any sense to you? The thing of it is, every day, I start off thinking.

At first, my head tells me- why in the hell would you want to sit at a blank screen all day, and write a book that no one will ever read because you’re not good enough to tell the story?
And then I say back to myself, “I am a good storyteller. I’m a great Writer. I’m intelligent, creative, funny, deep, emotional, connected to my center of being, and I am good enough, no, better than good enough to write a book and tell my story!”
And then my mind shoots back, “Who are you fooling? You’re an idiot, blah, blah, blah…”
And then I realize that negative thinking is still thinking, but it’s negative, and I don’t have to listen to that garbage! I spend half my day telling myself, thinking to myself- I can do this, I can do this, I can… I am doing this, I am doing this, I am…

It’s a difficult struggle, and one that I battle with every single day, and one that I overcome by mid-morning, and then wake up the next morning to do all over again.

I’ve come to realize this through thinking too…
I understand why I write. It’s not because I have a lot to say, I mean, I do, of course, but, it’s more because I want to understand what it is I am saying. What I’m feeling. And I want to understand what I feel, but maybe am not saying. Writing does that for me. It clarifies my thoughts. It gives me an insight into my deeper self, and even if my story is fiction, there’s still a piece of me, a part of my soul in those sentences, and I understand that what I’m writing through my fiction is my unspoken dreams, my hopes, my memories, my deepest darkest fears, nightmares I haven’t been able to consciously digest, people that I don’t feel connected to, or understand, and those I do. It’s all of my relationships in the characters I create, and all of the relationships I long for but haven’t found yet, and all of the relationships I never want to find. Do you understand what I’m saying?

For an example, in my book of horror fiction, one of my main protagonists is a man named Niki, and one that I have been looking for my entire lifetime. I haven’t found him in the real world yet, but he does exist now, even if he exists only in my book. And I can say with absolute certainty, I love him. I love the idea of him. I love his quirks and idiosyncrasies, his look, his tender spirit, his bravery, the way he speaks, the way his eyes sparkle when he smiles, and the sunshine that radiates from his face when he does. I love his imperfections and his humanness. I love everything about him. Is it unreasonable to think that that man truly does exist? I don’t think that’s far-fetched at all! Do I expect a man like that to come waltzing into my life? Maybe. Maybe not, but I’m hopeful. But even if I never get to meet the real Niki who’s probably out there somewhere, if he never comes into my life in the flesh, I realize I have met him because I’ve created him!

And no, I’m not crazy, or off the wall. I write because I have this need to create something out of nothing. I write to understand all the parts of me. I write to create a person who represents some part of my psyche, my make-up. I write to tell myself a story. Do I want other people to read my stories? Sure. What writer doesn’t? But I don’t live to write for my readers, I live to write for the sake of creating! I write to understand myself on a deeper level, and I have to think before I’m able to do that, so, thinking isn’t a terrible thing after all, is it? Aren’t we supposed to think?

Maybe the person who made that statement to me ought to realize that in thinking, there is creativity. Maybe what you perceive me as being a negative thinker, has nothing to do with you at all. Maybe I’m thinking through my own self-doubts, thinking about my next sentence, or my next step on this journey, maybe I’m thinking of how terrifying this all is to me and I’m thinking of ways to push myself to keep doing it day after day, and without a safety net to catch me if I should fall flat on my face. Maybe if everyone thought a bit more, there would be less conflict in our lives.

I think thinking is a good thing to think about, and I’m going to keep thinking because… I’m Just Me!